breakable

I can't imagine what it must be to raise a child.

I say that, because here we are, in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, in a place we don't understand, in a language we didn't understand a year ago, raising other people's children.

I guess we imagined something more sterile when we started. Open the doors, do some activities, teach lessons, make some relationships, and share the message and the love of Christ. Easy, right? Don't ask me why we thought any of the above actions would be anything other than consuming, exhilarating, and ultimately - heartbreaking.

What we find ourselves doing is raising kids. In the absence of any actual parental figure, I have finally realized that Jordan comes to my door everyday because I am where he feels he belongs. I am the closest thing in his and several others' lives to a loving, guiding, disciplining father. Did you know that in the last few months, the boys have started coming by to give Holly gifts? Earrings they bought at the five and dime, flowers stolen from the neighbor's yard, pictures drawn, limoncillos and mangos - all for Holly - not like it's some pre-teen crush, but more like when I used to leave a note or a poem on my mom's bed.

This is all to say - we have somewhat unwittingly worked ourselves into some powerful stuff. They have given us - almost pushed on us - the power to build them in a way not unlike my father and mother built me - with earned trust and graceful boundaries - taking opportunities to praise the good, while offering direction and consequences for the bad.

Well, in the last few days, one of our boys, Hansel, got his feelings hurt when we corrected him, and has since returned his "Pescadores" shirt and made it clear that he is not coming back. Now, we don't believe him - we know he is testing us, but we are still heartbroken, because we love him and know that we are doing what is best for him, even though it has cost us a relationship with him temporarily.

How do you parents do it?! How do you survive all the heartbreak of letting us learn from our mistakes? How do you decide when to let it go and when to take a stand? How do you decide between the two of you how best to handle us?

In any case, we are finding that while you might preach the logic and importance of the Gospel to an adult, we have to model the gospel of "God so Loved the World" in order to see it grow in these young men. The word "discipleship" has taken on new meaning for us as we realize that in order to mold the Gospel into these kids - we have to be aware of the power that gives us - power to build or break, and accepting that power gives them the ability to break our hearts every once in a while, too.

But - there again, all you parents already knew that.

This song is powerful, and is hard for us to listen to tonight. Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson.